How to Help A Grieving Friend
You have a friend who is hurting, and you desperately want to help, but you don’t know what to do, here are some ways you can help.
If you’re walking along the grief path with a friend, on their behalf, let me say thank you.
The grief journey is not only painful, it’s soul-crushingly lonely. Your willingness to stick around in the hard times, makes you one of the precious few.
Here are a few ways you can help your grieving friend.
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Once upon a time, Mother’s Day was ‘just’ a day.
When I was younger, I made my mom a card, sent jewelry or flowers, and completely took for granted that I had a great mom who knew I loved her and knew she loved me.
Then I became a mom.
Again, mother’s day was just another day that my family celebrated. I knew Macy loved me every day, so it wasn’t much different than a random Tuesday. For the 19 days I had Caleb, the bond was strong. I loved him, and he loved me.
Then the wreck happened.
Then Mother’s Day was no longer ‘just’ another day.
Shame.
You know. That gut-wrenching feeling in the pit of your stomach that makes you secretly hate yourself.
Those memories of all the times you've messed up in the past. That you're dirty. Or unloved. Or unworthy of love.
It seems there is an epidemic of feelings of shame in our society.
Not to be dramatic, but the enemy is having a hay day wreaking havoc in the minds of women everywhere. What better way to distract you from doing all the things you were designed to do than devastating you with all these feelings?
What if you didn't have to feel that way?
What if shame didn't consume your thoughts?
In the eleven years since the death of my beloved husband, curly red-headed precocious five and a half-year-old, and perfect blonde haired, blue eyed two and a half week old baby boy, the Lord has allowed me to experience a taste of the pain I felt immediately following the wreck.
And the pain was intense.
And it hurt.
And it dropped me to my knees.
And today I am thankful for feeling all the feels again because it allows me to meet you where you are in your pain.
I can look you in the eye and promise that you will not always feel this way.
I won’t lie and tell you the road is easy. It isn’t.
But you, dear one in the midst of your pain, can come out on the other side. You won’t be the same… but you can know joy again.
So you’re down and out and not sure you can take much more.
You look around and think to yourself:
This is it?
This is my life?
Is this as good as it gets?
You shrug and respond:
Well, sure it is. It’s what I had comin’ to me.
My mother told me this would happen.
I should have known better.
What was I thinking!
The imagined words of others begin to float into your mind:
You’re no fun; live a little.
Whore. Slut.
Worthless. Damaged
It’s all in your head. You’re overreacting.
You’re exhausted. You’re not sure how you got here, but it’s been awhile.
It’s dark where you are.
It’s hard to breathe.
There’s no rest here.
You’re just going through the motions.
You wonder if anybody knows.
You feel alone here, isolated, even with your friends.
You live in fear here even in the presence of loved ones.
You’re a mess, barely keeping it together.
You’re screaming, but words aren’t coming out.
It happened so slowly. Gradually. Over time. But here you are. In the pit.
And I get it. I’ve been there.
It's the time of year again... Gift-giving season.
I don't know about you, but trying to come up with thoughtful, personalized gifts is hard. This year I decided to take notes throughout the year so I wouldn't have to stress last minute, and I figured maybe you could use it too.
Without further ado, here is the list:
Hey, Mom!
Yes, you.
The one with the kids. The one with the backpack, purse, and grocery bag all in tow!
I’m talking to you.
You are rockin’ this parenting thing. You really look like you got it all figured out. You are taking home the prize today!
The way you wipe noses while taking that phone call.
How you stir supper at the stove with one hand while consoling the little one on your hip
And you always arrive just in time for the scheduled parent-teacher conferences
That birthday party? Boy, you are a master planner!
You drive that minivan like a BOSS… you get everyone buckled in record time.
Do you know my friend's Joy and Sadness? Allow me to introduce them. They’re pretty famous. Their resume is quite impressive.
They are lead roles in Disney Pixar’s Inside Out.
Rob Base features them in the chorus of his famous hip-hop song “Joy and Pain.”
Dr. Seuss references them in his quote “Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.”
And most importantly, the Bible verifies them as significant times in life in Ecclesiastes 3:4—a time to cry and a time to laugh; a time to grieve and a time to dance.
What do you notice about Joy and Sadness in these scenarios? Do you see a pattern? I notice that they’re together, appearing side by side.
So I’ve come to think of them as the greatest underrated dynamic duo of all time!
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
You may immediately see brown hair and green eyes, freckles and a chickenpox scar. You might see ears that stick out just a little too much for your liking. Maybe you see fine lines and wrinkles that tell your age.
Do you see kindness? Do you see love? Do patience and acceptance stare back at you? Are you looking at forgiveness and grace? Is there the reflection of joy and contentment?
Are you accompanied by anger and resentment? Is hatred present? Is bitterness there?
It’s quite possible you see all of this. On any given day. Depending on your mood. Depending on your circumstance.
But what do you think God sees?
Grief is a brutal journey.
What I've learned over the past twelve years, is there are certain universal grief truths. Regardless of your loss, you can probably identify with many on the list.
My grief journey started on October 13, 2006. It was on this day I learned my husband, 5 1/2 year-old daughter, and 19-day-old son were killed in a fatal car crash.
In my worst nightmare, I could not have dreamed up what was suddenly my reality.